Holding the Whole Picture: The Challenge of Seeing Both Good and Bad in Others
One of the quiet struggles in relationships, whether with a partner, parent, friend, or even a therapist, is holding both the good and the bad in mind at the same time. It’s much easier, emotionally, to split people into categories: all good or all bad. When someone disappoints us, we might suddenly forget their warmth, humour, or past kindness. When we idealise someone, we may overlook patterns that are hurting us.
This kind of "splitting" is a natural defense, especially when we feel vulnerable. It offers quick clarity in messy emotional territory. But it can also limit our ability to stay connected—to others, and to ourselves.
Real intimacy begins when we can hold complexity: to know that someone can love us and still hurt us; to accept that a parent did their best and also fell short; to recognise that people, like ourselves, are contradictory, evolving, and imperfect.
It’s uncomfortable work. It asks us to tolerate ambivalence, grief, and even love at the same time. But in doing so, we move closer to emotional maturity and more grounded, realistic relationships.
Holding the whole person in mind—flaws and all—isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom.
Psychotherapy offers a space for these more complex dynamics of relating to be understood, which can greatly improve our emotional maturity and capacity to connect.
